Attack of the Blog!

In my spam filter right now:

Penis Enlargement Pills, Penis Enlargement Exercises, Penis Health, Sexual Performance, Woman Information and much more . . .

Giving her for many pleasures is herbal help for penis.

That is all.

blah blah blah iPhone blah blah blah.

There’s always something. In elementary school, it was the Walkman. If you didn’t have a Sony Walkman while you strutted down the street in an L.A. Gear jacket and three pairs of multicolored scrunchy socks, you weren’t cool. Then it was laserdisc. Then it was Palm Pilots. Now, it’s the iPhone. The electronic status symbol of the moment.

As a piece of technology, I think the iPhone is sophisticated, elegant and useful, though unreasonably high end, feature-packed and pricey for the general user. I also refuse to own a phone made of glass as I drop my mobile at least twice a day. (When I look for practical design in my personal electronics, reinforced concrete is a plus.) But my reason for hating the iPhone has nothing to do with its design (which is solid) or its functionality (which is impressive).

I hate iPhone culture, if you can call it that. I get having a fun new toy and wanting the world to see it. But while a truly mobile Web is an amazing feat, it should be amazingly low-key. I’ve seen the Internet before. That’s fantastic that you can access it from anywhere now, but I’m not going to scream out “OMFG look it’s maps.google.com!” so don’t bother bragging. Genuine exitement is fine, but I’m not impressed with those just wanting a status symbol. If it meets your needs as a user and you feel it’s worth the hefty price tag, great. If not, don’t bother prattling on about how I should get one. I’m not breaking up with my LG Chocolate because it’s perfect for me.

Those who haven’t become name-dropping showoffs have become brainwashed hermits. While the UI is slick and impressive, people have completely missed the point of it. You’re supposed to be able to do things faster and easier, so in theory you should spend less time sitting there stroking it and staring at it. I was out to dinner with a friend the other night and we didn’t have any conversation at all because he just sat there rubbing the dumb thing and muttering to himself “yesss . . . we lovesss you, my presshhhhusssss . . .”

Text messaging is bad enough, and now it’s getting worse with mobile Web addiction. It creates conversational ADD and enables twits to be rude at the movies, the dinner table, and even during sex. Yes, I know people who have interrupted sex to send a text message. (Don’t believe it happens? Remember the Paris Hilton video?) The iPhone enables a certain segment of the society that doesn’t understand that constantly stroking your tool is NSFW. Something needs to be done about that. I’m thinking tasers and attack drones might do the trick.

If you have an iPhone, good for you. But don’t forget that while the immobile Web is obsolete, so is bad etiquette.

Okay . . . so I have a weakness for brownies. Like, big, chewy, gooey, brownies with chunks of dark chocolate in them. Texas-size brownies that a coworker’s mama ships up from, well, Texas. Like the ones that arrived in an overnight box of sugary caloric goodness for Download Day. MMMMMM. I saw them in the kitchen, quietly whispering with that silky, evil chocolate voice: “Pick me up. Eat me. I’m tasty and delicious. You know you want me.”

Well, okay, if you insist. I pick the prettiest one, heavy and slightly sticky. This is gonna be goooooood . . . But I want to remember, before the massive dose of sugar hits my pleasure synapses, to tell Clint to thank his mother for the very tasty care package. He’s over in the common area, watching Download Day as it gets out the gate.

I don’t pay any attention to the Air Mozilla camera, thinking that it’s still feeding live from Toronto . . . especially because the Mountain View feed isn’t what’s up on our main screen. But my friend is chatting, and I can’t stand it anymore. It won’t hurt to dig into this thing and then say thank you with my mouth full when there’s a pause in his conversation, right? So I peel off the wrapper and dig into that giant, tender, squishy good brownie. And what the world sees is this:

Now, this wouldn’t have been so bad, except that right at this moment the Air Mozilla feed decided to lock up. So that image — me with a look of bliss, pinky extended, digging into a massive brownie — was frozen for all Mozillans to see. Oh, joy. Instantly the #airmozilla IRC channel is joking about “cupcake girl.” (From the backlighting and the ginormous proportion of the brownie, it’s easy to mistake it for a cupcake.) Comments ranged from mockery of the look on my face to expressions of jealousy over there being no cupcakes for remote workers. “i want a cupcake too.” “EPIC CAKE.” “bring back cupcake girl.” Either way, it was super embarassing.

So yes, it’s me. Cupcake Girl. Ha, ha. Please stop e-mailing me “2 girls, 1 cupcake” jokes now.

I’ve been wanting a new phone for a while. I did extensive research to select the ideal phone for me. That means I called a 14 year old I know and told her I wanted an mp3 phone. Her recommendation: the LG Chocolate. Mmm. Chocolate. That meant I was switching to Verizon, which, luckily enough, offered a plan I felt I could live with and seems to get better reception in the hilly areas I frequent, according to friends. Cell phone roulette has become something we all accept; you jump on a good deal, ride out the contract, and look for something better. And boy had I found it!

However, this meant that I had to cancel the phone contract I had with AT&T. UGH. I had to make a preliminary call in the early stages of my new phone research to find out when the end of my billing cycle was and what was involved in ending my contract. What I got was a litany of roadblocks preventing me from getting to the answer I wanted. I knew I wanted to leave AT&T. They didn’t offer any phones that met my needs, and the plans they offer weren’t so spectacular as to make me want to compromise. They asked why I was dissatisfied with my service. I was told that my unhappiness over high overage fees was my own fault because I talked too much, and would I like to renew a two year contract and pay more? No. No. No. What is the last day of my billing cycle so I know when to get my new phone to allow at least ten days of overlap? The fourth of the month. Thank you. GOODBYE.

It’s a technique called the “soft no.” Sales reps are required to do it, because it often works. By undermining the justifications for your decision, sales people can distract, embarrass, or fluster a shopper to get them to waste money on something they don’t really need or want. In general, don’t talk to sales reps unless you are very stubborn or have made an iron-clad decision. I had to call back just now to cancel my old account, but this time I was prepared with the necessary plot to take a short cut through the nine circles of customer service hell.

How did I do it? I flat out lied. Flagrant lies are noted below with an asterisk:

(See, this is how it all started last time. I said “no, I want a phone you don’t offer” last time and ended up spending over ten minutes trying to get the customer service drone to stop asking me questions I didn’t want to answer. But me so clever:)

BAM. That’s how you foil even the dastardliest efforts of a customer service drone who’s been programmed to detonate your ability to make free choices. Shoot, I probably made that drone’s day because she didn’t have to go through the long song and dance and listen to me become increasingly angry. The really crappy part is that companies like AT&T carefully track this kind of data to find out why people are leaving so that they can attempt to make their cell phone plans just palatable enough for people to swallow them. And now they’ve gotten some useless data because I just didn’t feel like putting up with their crap.

Hey AT&T: Please add your irritating attempts to curb customer departure to the list of reasons I left you. Don’t take it personally. I’ll probably have the same thing happen one day when I leave Verizon for something better. In the meantime, give me some Chocolate!

I’m a little irked that you don’t offer your t-shirts in chick sizes. Wearing a men’s small isn’t comfortable and never looks right. I consider this especially bigoted on the part of Bungie, as I would assume that you would want to support me in my dream to one day have Master Chief’s head between my boobs. Please turn one or both of these shirts into chick shirts:

Duo Tone Master Chief Tee

Master Chief Visor Tee

The oppressive patriarchs running the store need to realize that equality means allowing women to wear the sex symbol of their choice plastered across their hooters. Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.

Best Wishes,

QUIN