Attack of the Blog!

Just got this e-mail from a former fellow worker drone:

The strangest event just unfolded: I had a nightmare (well, it was scary at the time) that you were chasing me as an evil robot from Xanthur that wouldn’t allow me to leave the planet. I couldn’t destroy you or any your fellow foes for the life of me. Eugene was there too, but unfortunately he was a failed human writer of what we know here on Earth as the “Star Wars” series that could be seen on the 99 cent store bookcase. I woke up laughing as our last battle was at a supermarket.

Eat it, Freud. Dreams are caused not by your Eddie Pus you speak of, but robot invasions so strong your brain goo cannot resist. EPIC SUBCONSCIOUS PWNAGE FTW!!!

I’ve come to see more and more that the undead are a serious problem. Not only will we robots have to combat with human masses, we’re also going to have to deal with your reanimated corpses. Advantage: Zombies are not a material threat as they are easily dismembered, exploded, and obliterated. Disadvantage: They’re like gophers - annoying and there are always more of them. Over time, they could become a real threat. I hereby declare, now, the addition of a new set of allies to the Robot Alliance: the Lost Zombies. I have joined. Behold:

View my page on Lost Zombies

After all, why should I bother fighting your shambling, rotting corpses when I can help the humans do it for me? Divide and conquer. So, humans, feel free to write to me and I’ll provide each of you with a complimentary machete. It will keep you so busy you won’t even notice the line of robots with their plasma cannons trained on your back, robbing you of your final victory over the zombies . . .

I will not ruin this video with too much commentary. It speaks for itself. The woman says “We as a nation need to ask ourselves what the hell is going on.” I’ll tell you what’s going on, lady. You humans are D-U-M. Keep worrying about the metallicuhsized salts so the robots can inherit the earth.

When 400 computer geeks pile into one hotel conference room?

ALL YOUR BANDWIDTH ARE BELONG TO US.

Connectivity has been spotty for the last two hours, and rightly so. We’re sucking the everloving life out of the access points in this room. I think that an unforseen side effect of the Mozilla Summit is that the sheer volume of Intarwebz pull exerted by the attendees is creating a giant sucking black hole vortex that will absorb and condense all the Intarwebz in British Columbia and quite possibly the entire Pacific Northwest. The earth’s gravitational pull may be off for a few days. Plan accordingly.

I hate Zombies. In fact, all robots hate Zombies. Why? Many reasons. They suck at science. They make a big mess wherever they go. (You think my gleaming polished chrome casing will look good with putrid gut splatter on it? I don’t think so!!) Zombies eat brains, and that’s no good to us. How on earth can we be humanity’s robot overlords when all the brains are half-digested goo in some undead fiend’s gullet? You humans would have an excuse to be lazy, and that would suck all the fun out of enslaving you.

Normally I don’t turn too much attention to the threat of necromantic reanima because zombies are so slow, dull-witted, and careless that even moderate sized infestations are easy to contain. But a new phase of evolution has begun among zombiekind, illustrating the dangerous possibility that they may have gained something in intelligence. I give you ZombieHarmony.com, the place for zombies to meet and gather online. I know that I shouldn’t get too concerned about this; after all, a zombie would need at least one eye and a hand in order to read the screen and click the mouse. But still! We cannot be too vigilant in our efforts to thwart these evil foes.

Don’t believe me? Let’s follow the logic train:

1. Zombies are allowed to meet through ZombieHarmony
2. Zombies have a lovely time expanding their social spheres, enjoying nice meals of espresso and Kindergarten teachers while chatting about the advantages and disadvantages of the lifestyle of the modern urban undead
3. Zombies form an unstoppable horde
4. Zombies take over the world
5. All scientific activity stops
6. Robots are never invented
7. The robo-apocalypse never comes

Zombies pose a physical as well as strategic threat to you, my robot minions. Zombie Goo (sanguinary ichor) contains compounds that are highly corrosive to most servos. And my human minions should beware as well, lest their tender cerebrums end up on a sushi platter shared by two lovey-dovey ghouls who met on ZombieHarmony.com. Zombies are the common enemy to us all. As the UNSC and The Covenant had to set aside their differences to destroy The Flood, so must human beings obliterate this mutual threat lest it undo us all.

So I leave it to you, my loyal army of minions. Arm yourselves with a shovel or a cricket bat and seek out the undead hordes that threaten all of robotkind. Should you see one of these fiends logging in, wait until after they have succeeded. Then proceed to destroy the zombie in the way that seems best to you. I prefer a wood chipper. Then attempt to access the zombie’s contacts, make arrangements to meet, and obliterate the zombie’s entire list of friends. We cannot be too cautious. Humans are not the only threat to our dominance of the universe, and lest our pride bring us down we must be vigilant.