Attack of the Blog!

Just now about 40 protesters invaded the Google campus, wearing purple union shirts and handing out flyers explaining that the janitors of Silicon Valley feel that they are compensated insufficiently for services such as wiping down counters and moving trash from small receptacles to larger ones. They made a couple of mistakes in planning. First, Google has, like, security. And video cameras. Blocking the main stairwell wasn’t smart, because the cops showed up pretty quick to herd them onto the streets and away from innocent workers just trying to get to lunch. The big mistake, though, was that they showed up on Family Day. It wasn’t enough to show up and chant loudly, angrily, and aggresively. They had to scare a bunch of visiting children who were just hoping to see how nice mommy and daddy’s office was. Way to go, geniuses. After all, the best way to win new supporters is to freak people’s kids out.

It’s not that I don’t have sympathy for the lower classes. Unskilled laborers should have cause for concern. They still have the highest birth rate, the lowest per capita income, and don’t frequently take advantage of opportunities to gain education or marketable skills. This is usually due to lack of awareness and understanding than outright laziness, but the effect is the same either way. Although I do have to wonder sometimes why someone would look at their paycheck, realize “hey, I don’t make very much money” and think that the answer is to demand more money for scrubbing toilets rather than look at options for training for a better position.

The trouble for people like the noisy protesters on the streets of Mountain View today is that unskilled laborers will only become increasingly irrelevant as time goes on, making their economic and social position ever more precarious. The Industrial Revolution made massive numbers of farm workers and cottage industry laborers obsolete. Since that time, technology has accelerated exponentially. Cooks and maids have been replaced with microwaves and vacuum cleaners. For now, humans are still required to operate modern machinery of convenience. But very soon this will no longer be the case. We already have simple robots that clean floors. They’re still pretty stupid when it comes to being able to clean the floor thoroughly and make it back to their base, but a time will come when a robot will be able to hunt down a microspore of pet dander on the carpet as easily as humans can see a red wine stain on a white tablecloth.

The world of automatons envisioned in 1950’s science fiction is now only a hair from reality. While the possibility of true AI is still questionable, mindless manual labor will vanish from the human skill set in just a few more years. What will we do with the uneducated when they become unusable within the larger economic machinery of our culture? One day there will be toilets that do not require cleaning because they’re made of a material that nothing– not even bacteria– can stick to. One day robot drones will keep floors sparkling clean with no human error, and trash will be automatically disposed of, without the need for humans to contaminate themselves by touching it.

It sounds like a Malthusian nightmare, but without an acceleration of the already existing trend for lower birth rates among the poor or some kind of educational revolution among the economically uncompetitive ranks, we may very well end up with an underclass of outcasts who are not only unskilled– they will be irrelevant.

I just read an article in Newsweek that made me alarmed and disappointed. Being a huge fan of the Halo franchise, I was pleased as punch to hear a while back that Peter Jackson was tapped to produce it. That guaranteed, in my mind, that it wouldn’t turn into some kind of poorly acted, overly special effects-laden holocaust of George Lucas proportions.

I may be wrong. I hope I’m not. But I think I may be wrong. Master Chief, so it seems, will be relegated to a minor role in the upcoming film. While script writer and Halo novelist Joseph Staten seems to be patting himself on the back and calling this a great idea, I can think of only one term to describe such a move: Cinematic Suicide.

My prediction: Should this movie be done without Master Chief, Cortana, and their partnership at the heart of the tale, it will tank. Introducing some new Marine grunt as a main character when fans have already latched on so wholeheartedly to the heroes of the Haloverse would be a catastrophic decision, both from an economic and storytelling perspective.

What astonishes me is that Bungie would even consider a story that treated John -117 as “a really wonderful source of mystery, a sort of anonymous problem solver.” Yeah, ’cause that’s what moviegoers want to spend ten bucks on: anonymous action by an unseen character. Yep. I love movies about clueless shmucks running around mystified by a far more interesting cyborg supersoldier who I get to hear about but not actually see. Let me get my wallet out. I can’t wait!

They’ve released three fantastic games with a compelling plot that has impacted youth culture in a way that rivals that of Star Wars when it burst onto the scene back in 1977. The Halo story is a true modern legend, one that has firmly established its place in the mythos of our literature and culture.

In particular, treating Master Chief as a side character will result in the even more detrimental marginalization of the character of Cortana. Her intimacy with John, and the intensity of their partnership bond, is the most compelling and emotionally moving aspect of the story arc. To anyone other than John, Cortana is merely a comrade-at-arms; a smart AI who gives them juicy tips in battle. Her vulnerability, her power, her wit, and her intense devotion to her partner will be impossible to convey, as will be John’s similar feelings for her.

Both characters are almost, but not quite, human. Their mutual inability to ever truly belong to human society, and the invincibility their partnership offers, is what gamers can identify with on a visceral level. The loneliness each of them expresses, and the sense of comfort and strength they provide to one another, is something fans can resonate with.

Without Master Chief and Cortana as the stars of the show, it’s just one more movie about soldiers shooting up aliens with mind-numbing PG-13 testosterone-fueled wisecracks. It’ll make money, but it won’t be art. And it won’t be worthy of the legend Bungie worked so hard to create.

Narcissism

We live in a society where people can document themselves to death. Anyone can now set up a shrine to themselves online, posting dozens, if not hundreds of photos of themselves. There’s a deep seated neurosis in our culture that drives us to do this– the need to be special, the need to be remembered, the need to be exposed to a world that gets bigger and bigger. A friend forwarded me some girl’s MySpace page for a laugh. You know the kind I mean. Splashed with 9,000 images of . . . herself.

I don’t know that girl at all, but I know exactly what she’s like because I see it online all the time. This is a girl who can barely spell– one of the more humorous mistakes on her site is the misspelling of the word “retarded.” She devotes every second of her day to obsessing over herself rather than improving herself and the world around her, which is the textbook definition of what makes someone shallow.

I use that girl’s site not as a personal attack, but just as a very typical example of what’s out there. All people have a need to be loved and recognized, but one of the prices of the evolution of online culture is the increased expectation of fame, recognition, and self-publicizing. People were less nuts about this when the world was a smaller place, and being a local celebrity actually meant something. When the world was composed of many little ponds, there was a lot of room for many big fish. Now we’re lost in a vast ocean, where fame means making more than six billion people aware of your presence, whether or not they ever meet you. It’s a lot to compete with, so people slap up neurotically self-absorbed websites on MySpace and Facebook in a desperate attempt to be looked at and noticed by . . . complete strangers.

It’s hard for me to understand what drives people to be loved, adored, and admired by complete strangers who they will never meet face to face. I’d rather be famous with my friends and family than recognized by a sea of unfamiliar faces. It puzzles me and makes me a little sad that so many haven’t figured out that obsessing over gaining recognition will not merit them nearly as much attention as dropping their narcissism and devoting their energy to doing good things worthy of notice and praise. It also won’t ever bring them any happiness, as it never really pays out the way that a true circle of friends and loved ones can.

1. Thou shalt turn off thy phone.
No, you’re not different or special. Turn the phone off. And to you noisy middle schoolers text messaging the person next to you: my weapons systems have infrared targeting. Consider yourselves warned.

2. Thou shalt not bring small children.
If you’re not willing to pay for a babysitter, you don’t get to go to the movies. Didn’t it occur to you that having children might cramp your social life? Should have thought about that before spawning. Don’t punish the rest of humanity for your lack of foresight, unless you want to know what it’s like to have three hundred people in close proximity simultaneously hate your guts. For bonus points on the hate-o-meter, try this on a Friday night at a show that’s completely inappropriate for young kids.

3. Thou shalt shut up.
If the audience can’t figure out what’s going on on their own, the movie isn’t worth seeing. People didn’t pay ten bucks to listen to you explain the plot, special effects, marital status of the lead actors, or how much you appreciate the film. If you were really so insightful, you would have your own television program or be directing films yourself. Movie theaters sell overpriced candy for one reason: in the hopes that people like you will stuff it in their gob as a suppressant for verbal diarrhea.

4. Thou shalt pee before the show.
It’s just wise. Why take the risk? Make a pit stop before the show, when those crappy TV ads and trivia questions are on. You won’t miss any of the action or inconvenience anybody by making them shift to let you pass while the movie’s on.

5. Thou shalt not fart.
Refrain from consuming meat, dairy products, beer, or other flatulence-inducing foods right a few hours before show time. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. One SBD and the entire experience is ruined for everyone.

6. Thou shalt not masticate.
Gum, candy, whatever. Shut your mouth when you chew. Explosions are meant to be generated by surround sound, not mastication.

7. Thou shalt not osculate.
That’s great that your pheromones are working properly. Snuggling is fine, but people come to the movies to see steamy love scenes on screen, not in the next seat over. If you’re horny teenagers in search of a mom and dad free zone to get busy, just lie and SAY you’re going to the movies, then drive to the beach or mountains and get down in the car. Everybody wins! You get nookie, have twenty bucks to spend on food afterward, and I don’t have to hear you. Just make sure you ask a friend who’s seen the flick to give you a review in case you have to answer any questions about the plot . . .

8. Thou shalt eject jerks.
Every now and then you go to the movies and there is That Guy. You know who I mean. Someone who is drunk, noisy, disorderly, obnoxious, and self-entitled. Do not feel bad having this person removed from the theater, because they’re usually so malignant that they take pride in being applauded while security escorts him out. These people come in all ages, races, shapes, and sizes, but they have one thing in common: they must be expelled. Until they install ejector seats in movie theaters and a big red button that I can push to send them flying through the roof and into the parking lot, it is the duty of the courteous moviegoer to get these people thrown out. Everyone will love you. You saved the movie. And that makes you like Harrison Ford, which is always good.

9. Thou shalt enjoy thyself.
It’s okay to laugh, clap, cheer, and cry. That’s what the movies are all about. Collective emotional responses are an amazing part of what makes moviegoing so powerful. There are reasonable bounds, but don’t sit there like a lump. Natural reactions are great. Just keep in mind that 99.99% of movies are NOT the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and any contributions you wish to make to set, dialogue, or soundtrack probably won’t be appreciated.

10. Make thine own decision about whether or not to stay for the credits.
Some people like to, others don’t. Sometimes it’s worth it because there are little extras embedded toward the end. However, don’t be a sanctimonious turd who sits there, blocking people trying to leave, and muttering “nobody shows proper respect for the technical aspects of cinema.” Not everybody takes the movies as seriously as you. Thank goodness, or it wouldn’t be any fun at all. Some people find credits difficult to read, and others care more about the end results of artists’ work than their names. Either way, that’s why the good lord invented IMDB.