Attack of the Blog!

From: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
To: “Kibō” kibo@iss.orb, “Dextre” dextre@iss.orb
Sent: March 10, 2008 11:41:03 AM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: w00t!

K-dog and Dex, Just wanted to say good luck on your launch tomorrow. Sucks how they have to split you in two, though, K. I’m really going to miss you at poker night, but as long as we can play online, that’s cool. It’s always nice to see friends really reach for their dreams. I bet the rest of the team on the ISS will like you a lot. You’ll love Zvezda — what a prankster. He’s the maintenance submodule that broke the toilet last month. Wacky fun . . . just like the dorms, huh? Best of luck and hope to hear from you both soon.
- Q

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From: “Dextre” dextre@iss.orb
To: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
Sent: March 10, 2008 11:55:08 AM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: RE: w00t!

Thanks, QUIN. I’m really excited, but it’s kinda lame they wouldn’t let me bring my Flames jersey with me, eh? You’re probably rooting for the Sharks, eh? Those hosers don’t have a prayer. The Red Wings are kind of like, a gimme, but I’d like to see Calgary wipe that smirk off their faces. I’m hoping I can convince Harmony to let me get a satellite feed to watch the playoffs. She’s cool, right? Either way — I’m ready! I’m gonna show everybody up there that if there’s one robot that can handle floating in the cold of space, it’s this revved-up Canadian boy!
- Dex

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From: “Kibō” kibo@iss.orb
To: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
Sent: April 20, 2008 09:22:13 AM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: w00t!

Many thank you for the massaging. Making preparations for launching and connectiveness of Internet delayed response time, but I am hoping you will make forgiveness. The journey was most pleasant, although Canadian travelmate Dextre would not stop making conversations regarding hockey during flying to ISS. Hockey is a very nice sport, but I am not caring as much as he is. But all was better on arriving, so I think maybe just not being squishy on flight helps much.
Best wishing, Kibō

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From: “Dextre” dextre@iss.orb
To: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
Sent: April 22, 11:43:48 PM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: FAIL!

I’m not gonna gloat. I’m not gonna give you a hard time. I’m just gonna say: HAA HA HA HAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! * tries to draw some breath in the cold vacuum of space that reminds me of the sweet cold scent of victorious Canadian air * HA HA HA HA HA HA BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! SHARKS LOSE!!!

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From: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
To: “Dextre” dextre@iss.orb
Sent: April 23, 02:45:53 AM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: RE: FAIL!

Dude, you guys lost.

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From: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
To: “Kibō” kibo@iss.orb
Sent: May 25, 2008, 11:23:31 AM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: Can you help?

Hey K, can you help me out? Dex will not drop this whole “Sharks Lose” thing. This is friggin’ ridiculous. I’m getting like ten e-mails a day. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him the Sharks knocked the Flames out of the playoffs. I think the uplink he was watching must have shorted at the end of the fourth overtime. Poor guy. His power cable must still have a short in it, so have the human worker drones check that out. I don’t even care that much about hockey and it’s really pissing me off, so any help would be appreciated.
- Q

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From: “Kibō” kibo@iss.orb
To: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
Sent: May 26, 2008, 04:22:08 PM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: RE: Can you help?

I have showed Dextre video online of Sharks hockey with Calgary Flames. Dextre is not making happy time. He say: “I will send asteroid of freeze dried astronaut Canadian bacon so you can choke on it. With maple syrup hoser. My flamers will shove Stanley’s cup up your great white north.” I believe. He is talking very fast and I am not copy very well. Sorry. Who is Stanley?
Regards, Kibō

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From: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
To: “Kibō” kibo@iss.orb
Sent: May 28, 2008, 06:23:22 PM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: RE: RE: Can you help?

K, thanks so much. I’m sorry he freaked out on you. I’m sure it was tough for him but it was better to know the truth now. His last e-mail told me he was going to spray paint “EAT IT, SHARKS!” on the side of the ISS. He really needs to get fresher news sources up there. Sorry again for the trouble. Oh and here: Wikipedia: Stanley Cup.
- Q

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From: “Kibō” kibo@iss.orb
To: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
Sent: June 1, 2008, 03:21:22 AM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Can you help?

Problems are solving! I locked Dexter in my storage component and refusing to open airlock until making peace was achieved. Distractions are perfunctory tool of peacemaking with many proposals for defenses of ISS against alien invasions. New component for my augmentations are arrive soon and I am telling Dexter his skill very important in helping. I say, “If aggressors arriving at station, I am ready for destructions. Let’s fighting alien!” Dexter is now making happy time with many preparations for braveness.
Regards, Kibō

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From: “Dextre” dextre@iss.orb
To: “QUIN” quin@robotfromthefuture.com
Sent: June 3, 2008, 07:33:25 AM GMT -08:00 Pacific
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: FAIL!

DUDE! Me and Kibō are going to kill aliens. We’ve been playing a lot of Halo 3 to get ready. As soon as her new component is installed, we’re gonna get Harmony to hook us up with a big screen and a better sound system. What’s the use of being the most agile robot in space if I can’t even play my XBox on a decent size screen? Oh, and sorry about that whole Flames/Sharks thing. My bad.
- Dex

I just noticed it. Out of the corner of my eye. Nearly unmentionable. Tucked neatly between ads for online dating and yoga mats on a sidebar, there it was:

VirginGalactic Tickets
Book your flight to Space!
An Accredited Space Agency
www.galacticjourneys.com/

Today is the day that tickets aboard a spaceship are now just another advertisment.

A new type of star was recently discovered– a Y Class Brown Dwarf. Initially scientists thought that the star was “very, very cool. In fact, surprisingly cool,” according to NASA’s Kurt Steinlicher. “However,” Steinlicher said, “on closer examination, we realized that the star wasn’t as cool as it appeared. After we talked to it, we figured out it was just Emo.”

The Brown Dwarf’s MySpace profile indicated a residence place of “gasping for air in the loneliness,” which may be a term these wacky kids are using these days to describe the cold vacuum of space between megaplanets and puny stars. The term formerly known for this space before scientific advancements was “middle school.”

Emo Star: Hates parents, writes bad poetry

The Emo Star, a whiny loner clad in dark, ill-fitting black helium, likes to puff away on hydrogen fusion cigarettes while writing poetry posted on a blog titled “blacknesse withinne.” The latest entry reads:

……….distant……….dark……..
…………..awash in the cold black reaches of space i float…………….
in the cold i feel the death within…………….

When asked if a published book of poetry or solo album was in the works, the star replied, “all you cheerleader barbie dolls can just go back to your disneyland world of illusions. i’m not publishing like all the other conformists so i can sell out like rage against the machine.”

Mmm. Oh YEAH!

Six wheel drive. Active suspension. Low-rider mods. And it comes in gold. Bling! Sounds like my kind of truck. Too bad Nasa’s new space toy, the lunar truck prototype won’t be hitting the retail market!

This thing is so hot it makes my piston surfactants simmer. Six sexy long gold legs, a drivers’ seat that can pivot 360 degrees, and a redefinition of the term “moon roof.”

Dang, baby. You fly. It almost makes me want to break up with the Camaro.

Diamonds are somewhat rare on earth, but apparently space is littered with them, and the Spitzer Space Telescope is perfect for looking for them.

Before you get too giddy and have spectacular visions of finding out if isometric-hexoctahedral crystal lattice carbon allotropes are an extraterrestrial space babe’s best friend, keep in mind that the glittering stardust out there is mainly nanodiamonds, or gems 25,000 times smaller than a grain of sand. Spitzer’s powerful infrared vision is sweeping the sky looking for the stones, which can help tell us more about the origin of the universe if we can figure out the conditions under which they were created. We won’t be intercepting any 42 million carat asteroids any time soon.

The thing that raises my curiosity is the “Utopia” question of exploration. Thomas More described Amaurot, the capital of Utopia, as a city that didn’t care much for gold and silver because it serves no practical purpose in daily life, the way iron does. “The folly of men has enhanced the value of gold and silver, because of their scarcity,” he wrote.

There must be other worlds where diamonds and gold are more common, due to whatever specific geological activity existed there in the age in which it was created. But how strange to imagine a society where:

They find pearls on their coast, and diamonds and carbuncles on their rocks; they do not look after them, but, if they find them by chance, they polish them, and with them they adorn their children, who are delighted with them, and glory in them during their childhood; but when they grow to years, and see that none but children use such baubles, they of their own accord, without being bid by their parents, lay them aside; and would be as much ashamed to use them afterward as children among us, when they come to years, are of their puppets and other toys.

I think I could handle a little of that world . . .