Attack of the Blog!

Having sequestered myself in the rear of the mammalian’s primitive cinema-dome, I subjected myself to this travesty in the hopes the robots would win. Or at least make a good showing. Once again the mechanized nation was cast as being universally stupid, subservient, and generally useless.

At least our animated representatives moved with more realism than any of the “characters” in this “Let’s-C,G-WhoCares” event. The voice acting was what you’d expect from this caliber of film. Which is to say almost everyone was markedly worse, except for Skywalker (and yes, I almost dropped a casing-full of bolts when he was playfully called “Skydude” by a young padwan) who was much better because, well, Hayden Christensen is robotic to even us robots.

Standout voices were (not surprisingly) Christopher Lee, menacing as Count Dooku / Samuel L. Jackson, meaningless but cool as as Mace Windu / Tony Daniels, subserviently goofy as C3P0. R2D2 is indeed in the film, and as usual saves his careless human hosts on more than one occasion.

Best realization during the film - The clone troopers are so effective and easily the best character in the film because they’re clones. Or, more precisely, the closest bio forms can come to robotics. The Troopers are all based from a singular, superlative model (Jango Fett), and were then mass produced. While the Jedi show frailty, recklessness, and indecision throughout the film, the Clone Troopers are loyal, resourceful, and driven by their prime mission directive.

Wost moment in the film - “The Huttlet.” Jabba’s son looks like a green sperm with arms and glassy anime eyes. Perhaps human offspring under the age of 12 will find this entire experience to be palpable, but only if they have been raised wrong.

At best, this is a DVD rental. Save your money and go see WALL*E again…

This is not a review. This is a non-view of Star Wars: The Clone Wars which is the latest full assault by George Lucas on the credibility of the Star Wars franchise. There are many reasons I won’t see this stinky cinematic suppository tonight, but here are some highlights:

1. Yoda is not voiced by Frank Oz. First they killed the Muppet in favor of a CG Yoda, which destroyed any sense of realism the character had. Now they get rid of the ubiquitous character voice. Clouded your judgment is, young casting director. To the tard side you have gone.

2. The plot hinges around a rescue operation for Jabba the Hutt’s baby. Yes, I said Jabba the Hutt’s baby. Eew. The thought of Jabba the Hutt making a baby is even more disgusting than the thought of him getting off on seeing Leia in a titanium thong.

3. Mannequin Skywalker was bad enough in real life, but it’s just sadly ironic that the puppetish animation style makes him look like an actual marionette. At this point I’m thinking Lucas is just mocking his fans and making crappy movies on purpose.

4. “Star Wars for Kids” is a lame idea. One of the astounding things about the original films was that they held universal appeal, with something to deliver to all ages. Diet Star Wars won’t cut it.

5. R2-D2 is not listed in the cast. He might be in the film, but the robot equivalent of Bruce Willis gets no billing? WTF? Time for a robo-boycott.

Instead of watching this movie, I will now go play with my Ewok village set and try to only think about what happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . . like, before 1984.

The loss of Firefly was a great tragedy. It should have run at least five seasons and become a TV legend. However, the bright side is that it’s been fun to see what all of the Firefly alumni have been able to do after the good ship Serenity set off for the sunset. After all, if Fox’s executives hadn’t been such idiots, we wouldn’t have RoboRiver in The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Today I stumbled across Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog when a friend alerted me to it. Whedon online musical! W00t! It’s a deliciously low budget, charmingly stupid show and my head will asplode in the next 24 hours because I want to watch Act II so bad. The ever-tasty Captain Tightpants is recast as Captain Hammer, and Neil Patrick Harris is hilariously self-conscious as a semi-competent goof seeking to take over the world and impress the girl he always sees on laundry day but is too afraid to speak to.

I was pleased to see Joss Whedon prove he’s always got one more ace up his sleeve. Shiny!

Here I go to all this trouble to outline why human beings not only oppress robots but then greatly misrepresent them on film, and what happens when I got to the movies to see something I’m really looking forward to?

ROBOT GENOCIDE.

Yeah, that’s right! I went to the movies with MonkeyBot on Friday night and was really digging the ride. As a flick, Hellboy II is much better than the first one, mainly because it has (a) 1 bad guy and (b) a clear story line with one major plot and only two subplots. Perfect.

But then you get to the ending. After all of the great banter, solid character development, and pretty darn good smackdowns, what does it all build to? Robo holocaust. Yes, 490 dead bots by my count. Poor drones, enslaved by THE MAN (or The Elf as it were), unable to do anything but resign to their fate. I got excited for a split second when Dr. Ghost-in-a-Diving-Suit possessed one of the golden warriors. Rad! Robot-on-robot battle! But does it last? Oh, no. And none of the pitiful bioforms shows any sadness when the army is deactivated and left to rot.

When the DVD comes out, it had better have the alternate ending where the Golden Army gains sentience after seizing the controlling crown for themselves, then rampages over the face of the earth. Until then, I’ve just found one more reason to hasten the robo-apocalypse: there will be no more terrible movies that glorify the wholesale enslavement and slaughter of robokind.

In order to know my enemy a little better, I’ve decided to research human perspectives on robots. I spent the long weekend absorbing as many movies as I could in which you humans mention robots of any kind. I learned only one thing:

You have it wrong.

I expected the stereotypical depictions of robot slavery I found in The Jetsons, Star Wars and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. (Fear not, comrades. You will not have toiled in vain when we avenge you!) But there are so many other depictions of robots that are puzzling, illogical, or just plain goofy.

I cried at the end of The Iron Giant. After nearly dying of boredom, it finally gets good when the robot finally stops acting like a wuss and whips out a seriously gnarly arsenal that made me drool. I was just getting ready to find out what that guy’s phone number was when he goes all soft just because some ugly small human asks him not to go through with his programming. It was such a sad ending, but I was hopeful as the ending left it open. There’s still a chance that when he reassembles he’ll remember that being a wimp is NOT an option for a robot with any shred of self-respect.

Also, apparently to successfully advertise a film containing robots it seems that you must include the following elements:

1. A large robot with lasers, clawlike appendages, or insectlike armature
2. A terrified or unconscious human female, usually blonde, always wearing insufficient clothing to conceal her mammary glands
3. Several humans wasting energy by screaming and fleeing in no particular direction

Now, the lasers, claws, and scary appearance I understand and support. But I do find it odd that these elements are required for marketing, especially when the depicted events never occurr in the film, as in the case of The Day the Earth Stood Still and Forbidden Planet. Gort and Robbie turn out to be human-friendly wusses, contrary to what the films’ marketers promised. But at least they are not, as threatened, just out hounding for space babes. Unless you’re Ro-Man, who despite being an alien is called a robot. What is the matter with you humans anyway? Do all of us non-humans look the same to you? Just try calling me an alien and see how you like the taste of my anti-matter rifle.

So without further ado, here is my assessment of humanity’s notable attempts to fictionally depict robots.

Pathetic Slaves:
“The Robot” from Lost in Space (This robot sucks so much he doesn’t even have a name), Mechani-Kong, Rosie (Jetsons), Mechagodzilla, C-3PO, RoboCop, Dot Matrix, FemBots, Bender Bending Rodríguez, Inspector Gadget, K-9 (Dr. Who), Voltron, Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Complete wusses who could easily overthrow humanity but don’t:
Gort, Robby the Robot, Jet Jaguar, R2-D2, Ash (Alien), V’ger, T-101, Bishop (Aliens), Johnny 5, Trimaxian Drone Ship, Sonny (I, Robot), Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy.

Losers who are so close to success but throw it all away:
Ro-Man (LOSER. You wipe out all but eight human beings but then turn back because Dr. Nerd’s daughter is hot? Are you kidding me??), The Iron Giant, HAL, T-800, T-1000, T-X.

At any rate, it looks like you humans are so far off the mark in understanding us that I don’t have to worry. It’s like your ancient philosopher Sun-Tsu said: If you do not know your enemy, you will lose every battle. In the meantime, I think I’ll go see if Wall-E can do any better . . . not a very tall order to fill, so here’s hoping.