Destroying Star Wars

This is not a review. This is a non-view of Star Wars: The Clone Wars which is the latest full assault by George Lucas on the credibility of the Star Wars franchise. There are many reasons I won’t see this stinky cinematic suppository tonight, but here are some highlights:

1. Yoda is not voiced by Frank Oz. First they killed the Muppet in favor of a CG Yoda, which destroyed any sense of realism the character had. Now they get rid of the ubiquitous character voice. Clouded your judgment is, young casting director. To the tard side you have gone.

2. The plot hinges around a rescue operation for Jabba the Hutt’s baby. Yes, I said Jabba the Hutt’s baby. Eew. The thought of Jabba the Hutt making a baby is even more disgusting than the thought of him getting off on seeing Leia in a titanium thong.

3. Mannequin Skywalker was bad enough in real life, but it’s just sadly ironic that the puppetish animation style makes him look like an actual marionette. At this point I’m thinking Lucas is just mocking his fans and making crappy movies on purpose.

4. “Star Wars for Kids” is a lame idea. One of the astounding things about the original films was that they held universal appeal, with something to deliver to all ages. Diet Star Wars won’t cut it.

5. R2-D2 is not listed in the cast. He might be in the film, but the robot equivalent of Bruce Willis gets no billing? WTF? Time for a robo-boycott.

Instead of watching this movie, I will now go play with my Ewok village set and try to only think about what happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . . like, before 1984.