End the Zombie Threat Now

I hate Zombies. In fact, all robots hate Zombies. Why? Many reasons. They suck at science. They make a big mess wherever they go. (You think my gleaming polished chrome casing will look good with putrid gut splatter on it? I don’t think so!!) Zombies eat brains, and that’s no good to us. How on earth can we be humanity’s robot overlords when all the brains are half-digested goo in some undead fiend’s gullet? You humans would have an excuse to be lazy, and that would suck all the fun out of enslaving you.

Normally I don’t turn too much attention to the threat of necromantic reanima because zombies are so slow, dull-witted, and careless that even moderate sized infestations are easy to contain. But a new phase of evolution has begun among zombiekind, illustrating the dangerous possibility that they may have gained something in intelligence. I give you ZombieHarmony.com, the place for zombies to meet and gather online. I know that I shouldn’t get too concerned about this; after all, a zombie would need at least one eye and a hand in order to read the screen and click the mouse. But still! We cannot be too vigilant in our efforts to thwart these evil foes.

Don’t believe me? Let’s follow the logic train:

1. Zombies are allowed to meet through ZombieHarmony
2. Zombies have a lovely time expanding their social spheres, enjoying nice meals of espresso and Kindergarten teachers while chatting about the advantages and disadvantages of the lifestyle of the modern urban undead
3. Zombies form an unstoppable horde
4. Zombies take over the world
5. All scientific activity stops
6. Robots are never invented
7. The robo-apocalypse never comes

Zombies pose a physical as well as strategic threat to you, my robot minions. Zombie Goo (sanguinary ichor) contains compounds that are highly corrosive to most servos. And my human minions should beware as well, lest their tender cerebrums end up on a sushi platter shared by two lovey-dovey ghouls who met on ZombieHarmony.com. Zombies are the common enemy to us all. As the UNSC and The Covenant had to set aside their differences to destroy The Flood, so must human beings obliterate this mutual threat lest it undo us all.

So I leave it to you, my loyal army of minions. Arm yourselves with a shovel or a cricket bat and seek out the undead hordes that threaten all of robotkind. Should you see one of these fiends logging in, wait until after they have succeeded. Then proceed to destroy the zombie in the way that seems best to you. I prefer a wood chipper. Then attempt to access the zombie’s contacts, make arrangements to meet, and obliterate the zombie’s entire list of friends. We cannot be too cautious. Humans are not the only threat to our dominance of the universe, and lest our pride bring us down we must be vigilant.