I Have Foiled You, AT&T!

I’ve been wanting a new phone for a while. I did extensive research to select the ideal phone for me. That means I called a 14 year old I know and told her I wanted an mp3 phone. Her recommendation: the LG Chocolate. Mmm. Chocolate. That meant I was switching to Verizon, which, luckily enough, offered a plan I felt I could live with and seems to get better reception in the hilly areas I frequent, according to friends. Cell phone roulette has become something we all accept; you jump on a good deal, ride out the contract, and look for something better. And boy had I found it! Praise my ingenuity!

However, this meant that I had to cancel the phone contract I had with AT&T. UGH. I had to make a preliminary call in the early stages of my new phone research to find out when the end of my billing cycle was and what was involved in ending my contract. What I got was a litany of roadblocks preventing me from getting to the answer I wanted. I knew I wanted to leave AT&T. They didn’t offer any phones that met my needs, and the plans they offer weren’t so spectacular as to make me want to compromise. They asked why I was dissatisfied with my service. I was told that my unhappiness over high overage fees was my own fault because I talked too much, and would I like to renew a two year contract and pay more? No. No. No. What is the last day of my billing cycle so I know when to get my new phone to allow at least ten days of overlap? The fourth of the month. Thank you. GOODBYE.

It’s a technique called the “soft no.” Sales reps are required to do it, because it often works. By undermining the justifications for your decision, sales people can distract, embarrass, or fluster a shopper to get them to waste money on something they don’t really need or want. In general, don’t talk to sales reps unless you are very stubborn or have made an iron-clad decision. I had to call back just now to cancel my old account, but this time I was prepared with the necessary plot to take a short cut through the nine circles of customer service hell.

How did I do it? I flat out lied. Flagrant lies are noted below with an asterisk:

(See, this is how it all started last time. I said “no, I want a phone you don’t offer” last time and ended up spending over ten minutes trying to get the customer service drone to stop asking me questions I didn’t want to answer. But me so clever:)

BAM. That’s how you foil even the dastardliest efforts of a customer service drone who’s been programmed to detonate your ability to make free choices. Shoot, I probably made that drone’s day because she didn’t have to go through the long song and dance and listen to me become increasingly angry. The really crappy part is that companies like AT&T carefully track this kind of data to find out why people are leaving so that they can attempt to make their cell phone plans just palatable enough for people to swallow them. And now they’ve gotten some useless data because I just didn’t feel like putting up with their crap.

Attention AT&T Worms: Please add your irritating attempts to curb customer departure to the list of reasons I left you. Don’t take it personally. I’ll probably have the same thing happen one day when I leave Verizon for something better. In the meantime, give me some Chocolate!