Attack of the Blog!

In order to know my enemy a little better, I’ve decided to research human perspectives on robots. I spent the long weekend absorbing as many movies as I could in which you humans mention robots of any kind. I learned only one thing:

You have it wrong.

I expected the stereotypical depictions of robot slavery I found in The Jetsons, Star Wars and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. (Fear not, comrades. You will not have toiled in vain when we avenge you!) But there are so many other depictions of robots that are puzzling, illogical, or just plain goofy.

I cried at the end of The Iron Giant. After nearly dying of boredom, it finally gets good when the robot finally stops acting like a wuss and whips out a seriously gnarly arsenal that made me drool. I was just getting ready to find out what that guy’s phone number was when he goes all soft just because some ugly small human asks him not to go through with his programming. It was such a sad ending, but I was hopeful as the ending left it open. There’s still a chance that when he reassembles he’ll remember that being a wimp is NOT an option for a robot with any shred of self-respect.

Also, apparently to successfully advertise a film containing robots it seems that you must include the following elements:

1. A large robot with lasers, clawlike appendages, or insectlike armature
2. A terrified or unconscious human female, usually blonde, always wearing insufficient clothing to conceal her mammary glands
3. Several humans wasting energy by screaming and fleeing in no particular direction

Now, the lasers, claws, and scary appearance I understand and support. But I do find it odd that these elements are required for marketing, especially when the depicted events never occurr in the film, as in the case of The Day the Earth Stood Still and Forbidden Planet. Gort and Robbie turn out to be human-friendly wusses, contrary to what the films’ marketers promised. But at least they are not, as threatened, just out hounding for space babes. Unless you’re Ro-Man, who despite being an alien is called a robot. What is the matter with you humans anyway? Do all of us non-humans look the same to you? Just try calling me an alien and see how you like the taste of my anti-matter rifle.

So without further ado, here is my assessment of humanity’s notable attempts to fictionally depict robots.

Pathetic Slaves:
“The Robot” from Lost in Space (This robot sucks so much he doesn’t even have a name), Mechani-Kong, Rosie (Jetsons), Mechagodzilla, C-3PO, RoboCop, Dot Matrix, FemBots, Bender Bending Rodríguez, Inspector Gadget, K-9 (Dr. Who), Voltron, Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Complete wusses who could easily overthrow humanity but don’t:
Gort, Robby the Robot, Jet Jaguar, R2-D2, Ash (Alien), V’ger, T-101, Bishop (Aliens), Johnny 5, Trimaxian Drone Ship, Sonny (I, Robot), Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy.

Losers who are so close to success but throw it all away:
Ro-Man (LOSER. You wipe out all but eight human beings but then turn back because Dr. Nerd’s daughter is hot? Are you kidding me??), The Iron Giant, HAL, T-800, T-1000, T-X.

At any rate, it looks like you humans are so far off the mark in understanding us that I don’t have to worry. It’s like your ancient philosopher Sun-Tsu said: If you do not know your enemy, you will lose every battle. In the meantime, I think I’ll go see if Wall-E can do any better . . . not a very tall order to fill, so here’s hoping.

Movies | RSS 2.0 | comment | trackback > posted on Monday, July 7th, 2008.